Robert
Fulghum may have earned an A+ and a cool million dollars from the lessons he
learned in kindergarten and subsequently shared with us in his 1989 best-selling
book, All I Really Need to Know I Learned
in Kindergarten, but some of us slow learners needed to watch our own kids
go through the paces before the life lessons sank in for us.
The honest
among us will even admit that our newfound understanding comes as a whopping relief.
I think we sensed that another round of instruction might leave us looking like
some of those three-timing fifth graders with G.I. Joe biceps and stubble that hints
at the makings of a ZZ Top-like beard.
While my
own personal marks don’t qualify me as valedictorian of the graduating fifth
grade class of parents of Los Alamitos Elementary School, I did end up with a respectable B
average. In a humbling act of generosity, I thought I would share my report
card with you, complete with comments from my teacher, Mr. Fulghum himself.
Because I
should have mastered these life lessons either when I was in kindergarten
myself or when I was raising a kindergartener, the man was generous enough to
devise something of an elementary school exit exam, which allows parents like
me to keep trying until our dunce caps can be traded in for a mortar board when
our last child graduates from fifth grade.
Lesson 1: Share everything
“Shana consistently forked
over her last $20 so that her children could have fun, fun, fun till their
creditors take the T-Bird… er, Master Card away. Since no one said the sharing
had to be voluntary, Mrs. Moore ranked at the top of her class for sharing/being
blindly pillaged.” Final grade: A+
Lesson 2: Play fair
“Shana impressed me with
her growth this year by learning to avoid making her kids cry by stealing their
Monopoly properties, sneaking an extra roll of the dice in Yahtzee, or stacking the deck in Candyland so she would get Queen Frostine early in the game. She
did, however, resort to tricking her kids during a Scrabble match into
believing that “Qoxz” was a real word meaning “a special form of quartz rock,” which
when placed on a triple-word square landed her a cool 87 points and, subsequently,
lowered both my trust in her and her daughters’ love of board games.” Final
grade: B
Lesson 3: Don't hit people
“Shana demonstrated a
thorough understanding that today’s generation of kids knows and sees
manipulative value in the Child Protective Services (CPS) organization. If not
for one alleged incident involving a controversial wrist grab, this insight
would have qualified Mrs. Moore for an A.” Final grade: B
Lesson 4: Put things back where you found them
“Shana excelled so greatly
in this subject that she also managed to put away every cell phone, ipod, mismatched
sock, text book and hair clip for every other human and canine in the
household.” Final grade: A+ (despite all attempts to fail this class)
Lesson 5: Say sorry when you hurt
somebody
“Mrs. Moore’s lightening
speed in making amends for the wrist grabbing incident resulted in an aborted
call to CPS. Extra credit points were given for her bravery for not hiding the
phone during this volatile situation.” Final grade: A+
Lesson 6: Wash your hands before you eat
“Shana is a woman who
appears to know precisely where her hands have been (i.e., in the hamper,
toilet bowl and dog dish) and has a perfect record for washing them before
consoling herself with cookies and milk, which, according to my research with
kindergarteners, are good for you, yet appear to do little for Mrs. Moore’s
ability to zip her pants.” Final grade: A+
Lesson 7: Take a nap every afternoon
“Shana
doesn’t actually know she takes naps, so this grade will come as a surprise to
her. She believes that her third cup of coffee sustains her throughout the
day’s activity, but she is actually sleepwalking as she sorts laundry, battles
soap scum, feeds the dog… and, yes, washes her hands with enough frequency for
an endorsement from the obsessive-compulsive society.” Final grade: A+
Lesson 8: Learn some and think some and draw and paint and
sing and dance and play and work every day some
“Shana tried to convince me
that driving other people so that they might have these opportunities gave her
a vicarious experience or “contact high” in this subject matter. Her grade was
raised slightly because of her expressed desire to be sent to a 60-day summer
sleepover camp to get back up to grade level.” Final grade: D
“It was a
delight to have Mrs. Moore in the class of life lessons over these past 35
years. I have every confidence that her mastery of our coursework has prepared
her for a bright future as a middle school parent, where she will be well
equipped to cope with a more grade appropriate amount of GI Joe arms and ZZ Top
beards.”
